Five Things Guys Just Should Not Say

Happy Valentine’s Day!  This holiday doesn’t hold much significance for a single girl like me, but I thought the day might be a smidge more fun to give you a new update about my love life, similar to here and here (despite my assumption that no one cares at all about my personal life, you guys sometimes ask, so I thought obliging every six months or so would be comfortable enough for me to share).  If you’re not one of those people who is interested in this kind of stuff, feel free to just come back next week for more DIY.  And, as always, this post is written in good fun, so try not to take it too seriously.

Up until December, grad school pretty much took over the hours I spent not working.  Save for a few drinks with friends, I really didn’t get out into the world, and certainly not enough to meet new people (which means even less of a possibility to meet someone I am both attracted to and can actually have a conversation with).  So, now that school is over, I’ve had a little more free time.  I haven’t tried online dating again like I did after my breakup a few years ago, but I heard about the Tinder app from a friend and figured I’d give it a shot.  It was weird, but kind of like briefly meeting someone in a bar (a guy starts up a conversation, you already know what they look like, and maybe decide you actually might like to see them).  And, strangely enough, I’m not the least bit embarrassed about admitting the use of a dating app in the way I was about taking quizzes and writing up a full online profile for strangers to know way too much about me.  This seemed simpler.  On my phone, and totally manageable.

Little did I know… I’ve been missing out.  And I mean that in a guinea pig sort of way.  I started trying this app by literally saying to my friend, “What the hell, I’ll try it”.  No real expectations.  And consequently, I went on probably the most ridiculously awkward, baffling, and confusing series of first dates.  I’ve come to realize that there seems to be no limit to what someone will nervously start jabbering about (and to be fair, I’m a nervous talker too, so I am somewhat forgiving… within reason).  And then, sometimes, you just start making a list in your head of the funniest/weirdest/most disturbing things you’ve heard guys say so that you have a great story to tell later to your friends.  Such as:

The Moocher

Him: Man, I hope that my card works.  My bank called me today to tell me they thought it was stolen.  I told them it wasn’t, so they tried to un-cancel it, and I don’t know for sure if they did.

(This was on my very first date from the app, after already ordering food and drinks… which basically meant I got unexpectedly stiffed with the check.  By a guy in his thirties who I suddenly realized didn’t know how banks work.  Things were starting oh so wrong…)

………………….

The Crasher

Him:  I’m staying at my friend’s place, and he isn’t answering.  Can I come sleep on your couch?

(On a first. date.  Um, no.  Definitely not.  And just plain inviting yourself to my house on any date is not recommended.  That’s where I keep my power tools and my large dog.)

………………….

The Home Improvement Expert

Him:  You grouted your tile?  What’s that?

Me:  …

(You don’t know what grout is?  Does this also mean you don’t know how to clean it?  Would hate to see your bathroom.)

Him:  Oh!  That’s like cocking for your tile!

Me:  …

Me: You mean caulk?

Him:  Oh, yes, that’s what I meant.  I looked it up online, and it didn’t correct me, so I thought that’s how it was spelled.

(Hmm, wonder what else Google found for him on that search.)

………………….

The Cassanova

(Guy I dated a few times, the last of which ended back at his apartment.  I really don’t need to go into it much more than that for you to get the gist.)

Me:  Woah, um, sorry, but that’s not going to happen.  No.  I’ve had a great time with you tonight, but we’ve been on just a couple of dates.  We are nowhere near that point yet.

Him:  Oh.  So… when do you think?

Me:  … I’m going to go, now.

(Just a tip:  Some thoughts should just stay thoughts.  K?)

………………….

The WTF

(After a somewhat pleasant dinner, getting close to asking for the check…)

Him:  You know, I really hold a special place in my heart for child molesters.

I DID NOT SAY ANY-FREAKING-THING IN RESPONSE.  I choked on my beer.  The fuck?

Him:  Wow.  Um.  Ha ha, bet you didn’t think that would be said on a first date, did you?!

(He went on to provide me an explanation of what he meant, which was something along the lines of feeling really sorry for people who clearly have problems and are probably tortured by these disturbing issues daily.  Or something like that, because MY EARS WERE STILL RINGING.)

Me:  No, no!  I’m glad you said that on a first date.

(Because there won’t ever be another one.  I didn’t even wait until the end of the date before my best friends heard about that one.)

………………….

Needless to say, I haven’t really been using the app much after all of that.  I have gone out on a few dates that wound up going very well (from the same app), but for one reason or another, just weren’t a match for me.  And it will probably stay that way for the time being.  I guess I just haven’t really been all that interested in dating in general.  It’s probably why so many of them were less than stellar (maybe just a rip-the-bandaid off kind of thing to feel like I got myself back out and social again?).  I’ve been more interested in taking care of my house, concentrating on my little budding business, and really… just doing whatever feels right.  I don’t feel rushed, and I don’t feel like I need to be in a relationship.  I’d certainly like to if I wound up smacked-over-the-head-in-love with the right guy, but if it doesn’t come along, I’m starting to get more and more comfortable with that.

(Though if he looked like one o’ these guys, I think all of that will go right out the window:

5celebs

… clearly, I have a type, at least when it comes to celeb crushes.  Maybe I just need a trip to Ireland, is all.)

And to wrap things up, how about some love notes for my readers?  After all, you guys are awesome.  I hope you enjoy these discoveries from Etsy.  They crack me up.

Happy Friday, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

UPDATE:  I gotta be honest.  I was nervous about hitting publish on this one.  I was afraid of internet trolls thinking I was guy-bashing (definitely not).  But once again, I’m thrilled to see so many of you guys got a kick out of this one.  I get very nervous about personal posts, so THANK YOU for letting me know you enjoyed it!

Comments

  1. says

    That was a fun read! I tried tinder too, never made it to a date though…
    Love your attitude and maybe I am a bit biased, but if no guy for you means more blog-stuff for me to read I will gladly take it ;)
    All the best from Germany!

  2. says

    This was a GREAT post and anyone crazy enough to come back for DIY is missing out! This blog is about you and your adventures so we love to hear it. Thanks for sharing because I loved these stories. I can’t believe you were brave enough to go out on more than 2 after those antics! WOW! The first one was just confusing…the rest all too clear and I am amazed! The sheer stupidity of some people! Yes, looks like now is a GREAT time to be OK with doing your thing and not rushing it. It will happen at the right time. Well, now I know what some of that transitioning from grad school has included. :) Great stories!

    • says

      Writing personal posts of any kind always make me nervous. The internet can be judgey and it’s a little scary to think people will hate it :) But thanks for your kind words! Glad you liked it!

  3. says

    Love the “you’re my favorite human” one… my husband always jokes that I love the dog more then him, and my response is “no, I love you differently I love him” somehow that does not make him feel better, lol

  4. GG says

    Ha!! I love it!! I hope to get to a place of peace with my current relationship status (single) like you have. I think it’s the key to finding the right person – that way they’ll be a bonus instead of a missing piece. I’m glad you wrote these, something for me to think about as I shy away from “putting myself out there”, but it’s all in good fun!

  5. Stefani says

    These are too funny. My friends on Tinder and OKC never come back with funny stories… or maybe they’re just not dishing.

    I just listed to this podcast where the guest (who is a married female author) was talking about how not everyone is ready to be in a relationship place at every given moment. It was actually pretty enlightening. If you’re interested, the Podcast is called “Two Book Minimum” and the episode is “Adelle Waldman.” (I have no affiliation to this podcast or its creators, just thought it was appropriate to this post)

    Keep being awesome!

    PS I loved that last picture of Charlie in the snow. My dog’s not a huge fan of the snow either, which is problematic since we live in NY.

  6. Jonathan says

    Thanks for posting Sarah! This is a lot of great information for single guys that are in the dating world. A lot of good dont’s…… where are the do’s?!?!?!? :) lol

  7. Julie says

    Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve dated! I remember when Match.com was brand new and the coolest thing to do. And I quit because of all the same things you posted about. Though I’ve never been told someone holds a special place for chester molester in his heart. LMAO

    YOU. YOU are AMAZING, and one day you’ll turn around, snort and think ‘Seriously!?’ Then end up married 10 months later. No joke. That happend. Because I was NOT dating my husband. He’s not my type ;)

  8. says

    Too funny, that last one was a little freaky for sure though! Although I’m very happily married I’ve told my husband several times if he EVER sees Matt Muenster at the hardware store he better bring him home ;) sometimes I think. The hardware stores should have “mixers”! Have a great valentines day!

  9. says

    Duuuuuuude. I can’t even process some of those things. Like…how….but…no really. I don’t understand where these people come from.

    And just for kicks…worst date I ever had, the guy seriously refused to take me home(why on earth didn’t I drive?) and then took me to meet his mom at her house instead. It was terrible. Ugh.

  10. says

    I’m coming from a slightly different angle, being older and divorced, but I hear you. I’ve officially taken a year off dating, and it’s been fine, really. To the point I may take two. I’ve avoided online dating in the main because it’s ooky in all the ways you describe. Too much information, right up front. Yuck. Hey! With any luck you’ll meet somebody at the home improvement center? Maybe? Just keep you sense of humor well enough that you feel like sharing these stories with us. They are awesomely awful, and awfully awesome.

  11. Alison says

    Wow, those sound like terrible experiences. At least you are able to keep a good attitude about it. It will happen when you least expect it. That’s what they say anyway. Happy Valentines Day to you.

  12. Carla says

    Been married twice; divorced twice. LOVE being single. No compromises, make all the decisions, do what I want when I want, am into my career and my house. Have a full, fun life with my 2 cats and lots of friends. Life is good.

  13. says

    Perfect! I started cracking up because it brought back old memories of joining Match after my divorce. I had more funny stories about dates like one where she emailed me after a coffee date and said I looked like a frightened child that wanted to run away. Um, that was probably because you told me that you make people wear booties over their socks (no shoes!) when they visit your house.

    I learned a few things about meeting dates on line. No it’s not cute when you say you don’t have a pic up with your profile because you want to see my face when I meet you for the first time(true story). Or ask how old is the pic that they posted of themselves. Pictures that are twenty years old don’t cut it (ditto on the story). Or, cool you’re president of a company. Wait you’re the only employee and with no sales after a year and you’re looking for an “investor” (double ditto)?

    After a while I just used those first dates like practicing for a job interview for when the right one came along. And she did and after being together for six years, we were married last year and I couldn’t be happier. Although the folks at work miss my dating stories…

    So go for it. Be shallow and insist on a pic, use a fake email address and block your phone number. Like me, you’ll meet a lot of good people (and a few weird ones), have great conversations, laugh a lot, and make some new friends. And who knows, the right person might just come along. Just be patient. And if they’re not a gentleman, run!

    Hoping you had a great Happy Valentine’s Day.

    Now go get a flu shot.

  14. K says

    Reading this post in the morning made the whole singles awareness day a easier to deal with. Thank you.

  15. says

    As someone who found ‘the one’ at the ripe age of 19, I don’t have a ton of dating experience. So therefore I have to live through others. So I need more posts like these because this is awesome. Being a nurse, I see a whole lot of humanity [read: weird people] but it’s in a professional setting and I’m jealous that you get to say whatever in response while I smile and nod. Don’t smile and nod I say. Keep them going if only for my entertainment!

    Is it weird that I picture you finding your man while you’re in a rush at Lowes looking for the right ______. I just hope it isn’t my Lowes because the pickins are slim there!

  16. says

    Hilarious. I think you have just the right number of personal posts, and they’re funny enough to be really engaging. I had some awesome stories when I was dating, so I think those are really fun to read.

  17. says

    Great post; it really made me laugh. I agree with Caroline. I like to think you’re going to meet your guy amongst rows of hardware and building materials. You’d probably be frustrated with a dude that doesn’t know how to swing a hammer (unless he can cook).

    On behalf of guys, please understand, we’re mostly idiots without a clue.

  18. Riane says

    This is what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends for months! I decided to go back to school myself. Between classes, clinicals, homework, and studying, I’m lucky if I see friends once a month lead alone put energy into meeting a guy. Being single works for me right now.

  19. Susan A says

    I used to joke that I could write a book on dating with the strange stories and circumstances I encountered! (Some friends encouraged it!) I was 38 before I met my now-husband. It was the first marriage for both of us, too. Worth the wait — even with all of the horrendous dates along the way! By the way, we met on a blind date which I put off for a few months. We got engaged after dating 3 months.

    Be true to you! Having a dog and a house of your own is awesome! I was right there once, too!!

    LOVE your blog!!!

  20. Rich says

    I’m one on those people who detest most holidays which seem pushed by greeting cards/companies trying to guilt people into spending money (sometimes money they don’t have) on gifts/food/etc.

    I think everyone should be allowed to pick only one holiday to celebrate. In my case I like Christmas, not because of gifts (although maybe from childhood memories may make the holiday nicer) but because of the music, sights, decorations and wintertime theme.

    This stuff of having Valentine’s Day, Birthdays (for kids great, after 21 forget it), Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent, etc. is just too much.

    I make it clear to anyone I date my feelings on gifts and holidays. Rather than wasting money exchanging gift cards or unnecessary items I’d rather save the money and use it to treat someone to a nice vacation.

    (Ok, my rant is over.)

  21. says

    Bit late to the party but…just had a 4 hour car trip with a male work colleague quizzing me why I’m still single (he’s happily married BTW), it must be hard finding a man with his own teeth at my age, don’t I worry I will be too old to have kids etc, you know the light stuff to talk about while trapped in a car! After verbally kicking him in the nuts, twice, sadly I did have to agree that Internet ‘dating’ may not be that sad. Sending him a link to this post pronto! Thanks for sharing, totally made my day :)

  22. Juliet says

    HA! I enjoy the dating stories. Life is a multifaceted adventure, and you write about it well. I was single for 15 years, mostly pretty happily, dating occasionally as I wanted, until my temporary housemate convinced me to throw myself out there again with intent. Best thing about it (other than eventually meeting my beloved Chap) was the stories to share with friends. Honestly, I was almost disappointed when things went well enough to have an “oh well” sort of reaction, rather than “Wait until I tell you about last nights winner”. I’m also quite sure that the same was said of me from time to time – I don’t count myself out of the possibility of being found a massive fail. But, while awkward I may be, I don’t believe that I ever gaffed to the extent of some of the fellows in my encounters. So, Happy Valentine’s Day to the possibility of love. And be amused in the meantime.

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