Five Things Guys Just Should Not Say

Happy Valentine’s Day!  This holiday doesn’t hold much significance for a single girl like me, but I thought the day might be a smidge more fun to give you a new update about my love life, similar to here and here (despite my assumption that no one cares at all about my personal life, you guys sometimes ask, so I thought obliging every six months or so would be comfortable enough for me to share).  If you’re not one of those people who is interested in this kind of stuff, feel free to just come back next week for more DIY.  And, as always, this post is written in good fun, so try not to take it too seriously.

Up until December, grad school pretty much took over the hours I spent not working.  Save for a few drinks with friends, I really didn’t get out into the world, and certainly not enough to meet new people (which means even less of a possibility to meet someone I am both attracted to and can actually have a conversation with).  So, now that school is over, I’ve had a little more free time.  I haven’t tried online dating again like I did after my breakup a few years ago, but I heard about the Tinder app from a friend and figured I’d give it a shot.  It was weird, but kind of like briefly meeting someone in a bar (a guy starts up a conversation, you already know what they look like, and maybe decide you actually might like to see them).  And, strangely enough, I’m not the least bit embarrassed about admitting the use of a dating app in the way I was about taking quizzes and writing up a full online profile for strangers to know way too much about me.  This seemed simpler.  On my phone, and totally manageable.

Little did I know… I’ve been missing out.  And I mean that in a guinea pig sort of way.  I started trying this app by literally saying to my friend, “What the hell, I’ll try it”.  No real expectations.  And consequently, I went on probably the most ridiculously awkward, baffling, and confusing series of first dates.  I’ve come to realize that there seems to be no limit to what someone will nervously start jabbering about (and to be fair, I’m a nervous talker too, so I am somewhat forgiving… within reason).  And then, sometimes, you just start making a list in your head of the funniest/weirdest/most disturbing things you’ve heard guys say so that you have a great story to tell later to your friends.  Such as:

The Moocher

Him: Man, I hope that my card works.  My bank called me today to tell me they thought it was stolen.  I told them it wasn’t, so they tried to un-cancel it, and I don’t know for sure if they did.

(This was on my very first date from the app, after already ordering food and drinks… which basically meant I got unexpectedly stiffed with the check.  By a guy in his thirties who I suddenly realized didn’t know how banks work.  Things were starting oh so wrong…)


The Crasher

Him:  I’m staying at my friend’s place, and he isn’t answering.  Can I come sleep on your couch?

(On a first. date.  Um, no.  Definitely not.  And just plain inviting yourself to my house on any date is not recommended.  That’s where I keep my power tools and my large dog.)


The Home Improvement Expert

Him:  You grouted your tile?  What’s that?

Me:  …

(You don’t know what grout is?  Does this also mean you don’t know how to clean it?  Would hate to see your bathroom.)

Him:  Oh!  That’s like cocking for your tile!

Me:  …

Me: You mean caulk?

Him:  Oh, yes, that’s what I meant.  I looked it up online, and it didn’t correct me, so I thought that’s how it was spelled.

(Hmm, wonder what else Google found for him on that search.)


The Cassanova

(Guy I dated a few times, the last of which ended back at his apartment.  I really don’t need to go into it much more than that for you to get the gist.)

Me:  Woah, um, sorry, but that’s not going to happen.  No.  I’ve had a great time with you tonight, but we’ve been on just a couple of dates.  We are nowhere near that point yet.

Him:  Oh.  So… when do you think?

Me:  … I’m going to go, now.

(Just a tip:  Some thoughts should just stay thoughts.  K?)



(After a somewhat pleasant dinner, getting close to asking for the check…)

Him:  You know, I really hold a special place in my heart for child molesters.

I DID NOT SAY ANY-FREAKING-THING IN RESPONSE.  I choked on my beer.  The fuck?

Him:  Wow.  Um.  Ha ha, bet you didn’t think that would be said on a first date, did you?!

(He went on to provide me an explanation of what he meant, which was something along the lines of feeling really sorry for people who clearly have problems and are probably tortured by these disturbing issues daily.  Or something like that, because MY EARS WERE STILL RINGING.)

Me:  No, no!  I’m glad you said that on a first date.

(Because there won’t ever be another one.  I didn’t even wait until the end of the date before my best friends heard about that one.)


Needless to say, I haven’t really been using the app much after all of that.  I have gone out on a few dates that wound up going very well (from the same app), but for one reason or another, just weren’t a match for me.  And it will probably stay that way for the time being.  I guess I just haven’t really been all that interested in dating in general.  It’s probably why so many of them were less than stellar (maybe just a rip-the-bandaid off kind of thing to feel like I got myself back out and social again?).  I’ve been more interested in taking care of my house, concentrating on my little budding business, and really… just doing whatever feels right.  I don’t feel rushed, and I don’t feel like I need to be in a relationship.  I’d certainly like to if I wound up smacked-over-the-head-in-love with the right guy, but if it doesn’t come along, I’m starting to get more and more comfortable with that.

(Though if he looked like one o’ these guys, I think all of that will go right out the window:


… clearly, I have a type, at least when it comes to celeb crushes.  Maybe I just need a trip to Ireland, is all.)

And to wrap things up, how about some love notes for my readers?  After all, you guys are awesome.  I hope you enjoy these discoveries from Etsy.  They crack me up.

Happy Friday, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

UPDATE:  I gotta be honest.  I was nervous about hitting publish on this one.  I was afraid of internet trolls thinking I was guy-bashing (definitely not).  But once again, I’m thrilled to see so many of you guys got a kick out of this one.  I get very nervous about personal posts, so THANK YOU for letting me know you enjoyed it!


  1. says

    Great post; it really made me laugh. I agree with Caroline. I like to think you’re going to meet your guy amongst rows of hardware and building materials. You’d probably be frustrated with a dude that doesn’t know how to swing a hammer (unless he can cook).

    On behalf of guys, please understand, we’re mostly idiots without a clue.

  2. Riane says

    This is what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends for months! I decided to go back to school myself. Between classes, clinicals, homework, and studying, I’m lucky if I see friends once a month lead alone put energy into meeting a guy. Being single works for me right now.

  3. Susan A says

    I used to joke that I could write a book on dating with the strange stories and circumstances I encountered! (Some friends encouraged it!) I was 38 before I met my now-husband. It was the first marriage for both of us, too. Worth the wait — even with all of the horrendous dates along the way! By the way, we met on a blind date which I put off for a few months. We got engaged after dating 3 months.

    Be true to you! Having a dog and a house of your own is awesome! I was right there once, too!!

    LOVE your blog!!!

  4. Rich says

    I’m one on those people who detest most holidays which seem pushed by greeting cards/companies trying to guilt people into spending money (sometimes money they don’t have) on gifts/food/etc.

    I think everyone should be allowed to pick only one holiday to celebrate. In my case I like Christmas, not because of gifts (although maybe from childhood memories may make the holiday nicer) but because of the music, sights, decorations and wintertime theme.

    This stuff of having Valentine’s Day, Birthdays (for kids great, after 21 forget it), Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent, etc. is just too much.

    I make it clear to anyone I date my feelings on gifts and holidays. Rather than wasting money exchanging gift cards or unnecessary items I’d rather save the money and use it to treat someone to a nice vacation.

    (Ok, my rant is over.)

  5. says

    Bit late to the party but…just had a 4 hour car trip with a male work colleague quizzing me why I’m still single (he’s happily married BTW), it must be hard finding a man with his own teeth at my age, don’t I worry I will be too old to have kids etc, you know the light stuff to talk about while trapped in a car! After verbally kicking him in the nuts, twice, sadly I did have to agree that Internet ‘dating’ may not be that sad. Sending him a link to this post pronto! Thanks for sharing, totally made my day :)

  6. Juliet says

    HA! I enjoy the dating stories. Life is a multifaceted adventure, and you write about it well. I was single for 15 years, mostly pretty happily, dating occasionally as I wanted, until my temporary housemate convinced me to throw myself out there again with intent. Best thing about it (other than eventually meeting my beloved Chap) was the stories to share with friends. Honestly, I was almost disappointed when things went well enough to have an “oh well” sort of reaction, rather than “Wait until I tell you about last nights winner”. I’m also quite sure that the same was said of me from time to time – I don’t count myself out of the possibility of being found a massive fail. But, while awkward I may be, I don’t believe that I ever gaffed to the extent of some of the fellows in my encounters. So, Happy Valentine’s Day to the possibility of love. And be amused in the meantime.

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