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Dear Primary Bath,
I realize we haven’t always gotten along. And, quite frankly, it’s all your fault.
When we first met, you didn’t make a great first impression. You were smaller than I expected, and you had been ignored for years by your previous owner. But I saw potential. And while I tried to be kind at first, you made it clear that we weren’t going to be the best of friends. You were cold, you groaned every time I came near, and you were unwelcoming.
I know you probably feel like I’m unloading all of this on you unfairly. I’m always complaining about you, always making fun of how awful you are, but it’s only because I care. No, really, I care about you, and I care about what happens to you. It’s just difficult to show it sometimes.
Take, for example, the wallpaper. I mean, when exactly did you think that was in style? It’s a cry for help, and I’d just like to let you know that I’m going to do all I can to bring you into the 21st century. That’s right, it’s time for a makeover!
Don’t be afraid. You saw what happened to Half Bath, and now she’s flirting with all of our house guests. She’s nearly 30 and acting like she’s brand new. And you know what? It’s high time that you feel that same way. You deserve it. I deserve it.
I realize it wasn’t all that pretty when we started remodeling Half Bath, but sometimes it gets a little ugly before things start to get better. And the truth may hurt, but I think you’ll be even more of a challenge than Half Bath was. You’re dirty, you complain (what, you don’t think I notice that creaking?), and you’ve simply let yourself go. Half Bath had its challenges, but she didn’t give up. And I’m not going to let you, either. You’re going to be beautiful. You’re going to sparkle and shine. You’ll be better than you ever thought you could be.
It won’t come easy. It will be painful, and it will take time. But I believe it can happen. So, in the coming weeks (or months, sorry but you’ve just got a lot going on), just have faith that this will all turn out OK. I’ll be there. And Scott will too. As long as you don’t electrocute us.